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I was an indifferent student of math growing up. I wasn’t bad at math exactly, but I didn’t much like the subject (except for geometry, which I took in high school from a brilliant and generous teacher who had left off being a rocket scientist–literally–so that he could teach young people). I pretty much stopped taking math as soon as I was allowed to in high school–I stopped out at algebra III.

A couple of years later, in a spasm of optimism, I signed up to take a 7:00 am calculus class to meet my math requirement in my freshman year of college. I was influenced in this fool’s errand by one of my heroes, my writing professor Tom Lyon, whose hypoglycemia obliged him to teach at 7:00 and 8:00 am exclusively. I believed that something would blossom in me, and I would develop into the scholar and writer I was destined to be, a scholar and writer like Tom Lyon, if I got up every morning for calculus in the early hours.

Alas, my 7:00 am calculus teacher was no Tom Lyon: I remember her as earnest and competent, but not particularly skilled or experienced as a teacher. Probably, given that I was a freshman at a land grant university in a 7:00 am calculus class, she was a relatively new graduate teaching assistant. More importantly, what seeds of knowledge she sowed my way fell on rocky ground, or weedy ground–I remember not a lick of calculus from that class. Practically my only memory of that whole term was one morning watching the sun stream into the room late in the quarter and feeling the joy of being an 18 year-old in springtime.

Somehow I managed to pass that class despite all the time I spent gazing out the window. And 25 years later, somehow I managed to get a master of science degree in environmental science without much knowledge of calculus. I knew enough to be able to recognize that something *was* a calculus problem–the same way I might recognize that the people next to me are speaking Portuguese–but as for *using *calculus to model a problem or make a useful prediction about the world, the little glyphs and grammars of differential equations were utterly alien to me.

The gaps in my math knowledge were worse than this, actually: I remember as I was gathering the last data for my thesis that my classmate Alison Jacobs had to explain to me the formula for the slope of a line (y=mx+b) for about 30 seconds before I realized that she was talking about something that I had studied for months and months in junior high school. It comforted me a bit to learn later that the great E. O. Wilson had gotten his PhD in biology at Harvard without calculus–in *Letters to a Young Scientist *he talks about sitting in calculus class as a 32 year-old assistant professor, trying to atone for his crime of omission. But for me, it has been hard to shake the sense that however well I might use words to describe the thicket of the world, I’ll never know the trails by which I might, using math, penetrate to the heart of things.

I had to climb over my own emotional palisades, then, to set out on a journey to teach myself calculus at age 45. For me, coming back to differential calculus via Khan Academy has felt less like atonement and more like the discovery that someone I had regarded as homely in high school showed up at the 30 year reunion looking like a knockout. Somehow over the thirty years since I first sat in that 7:00 am calculus class, I have discovered that I’m in love with mathematics.

So far as I can tell, there’s no direct benefit to me in learning calculus or any other kind of math. No matter how good I may get at it in middle age, there will always be others around me who know math better and who use it more naturally than I. And what would I use calculus for anyway? I’m no better an English teacher or outcomes assessment specialist because of it. One could argue that I’m a *worse *English teacher because of it, opportunity costs being what they are–every hour I spend learning about limits and differentiation is an hour I don’t spend honing my knowledge of composition theory or something else I might actually use in the classroom.

But I don’t want to stop myself: I study math because math has become beautiful to me. Perhaps it seems more beautiful to me *because* it has no obvious use to me. I’m long past the spring term of my life now. Perhaps I can love math now because “the heyday of the blood is tame”–though in so many areas of life I feel I am entering a second youth, or even a long-delayed first youth. I never became, never will become, the scholar that Tom Lyon was in my life. But I’ve come back to scribbling out derivatives at 7:00 in the morning as I did when I was 18. The morning sun in springtime fills me with a different kind of joy.

Joanna Schow

said:I love this so much! I also love Tom Lyons and was lucky enough to take a class from him on western literature. I find it interesting that you and I both didn’t go any further with math than Algebra II. Carlotta Elitch basically told me I was too stupid for math and hers was the last class I ever took. I felt so incompetent that I blanked out on the ACT test math section and it pulled my score way down! Math phobia? It’s real and I have it. Lucky for me USU didn’t require a very high score. So I got around taking it at USU because, at the time, I could take a computer class of some sort and not have to take it! I had a dual major in LAS and Dance. So I have never enjoyed math and thought I was done with it forever! Imagine my surprise when I started a position as a Title I Aide where I work with kids from K-6 they are struggling on math and reading. So I found out I can’t do math from K-3! This new math is so complicated to understand! It’s a completely different from how we were taught! I couldn’t for the life of me figure it out and finally started to attending one of the fourth grade teachers math hour as a student. That helped but when I went to teach it with kids my math phobia would kick in and I couldn’t even tell you what 9 X 7 was! I was so embarrassed! My boss and the other aides were so awesome that they swapped my math kids from 4-6th grade and I took their reading kids. So this summer I’m going to take some online courses that teach the new math but my boss wants me to be the reading specialist so I’m tempted not to bother! Anyway, I don’t think I’ll learn to love it like you do! I do, however, enjoy your posts!

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Joe Pitkin

said:Thanks for the good word, Joanna! Yes, math phobia is a real thing–lots of folks in my family are math phobic. I’m sorry to hear that Ms. Elitch gave you the phobia…I had forgotten Ms. Elitch. I remember I had a class with her, but I barely remember her name, and I remember even less from the class!

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Bill Stanley

said:I never had a class with Tom Lyon…the only English class I had at USU was taught by the similarly brilliant Will Pitkin, who through a staggering coincidence shares your last name. But I do remember enjoying that geometry class in Junior High, even though I have forgotten the teacher’s name and rocket science resume.

I find myself enjoying similar reflections as I am rifling through physical and virtual documents in order to start grad school this summer. I hope I am as taken with some new subject as you are with calculus. (I did manage to stick with math through AP calc in high school, but my interest died at that level, perhaps because the teacher, who preferred to be addressed as “coach”, may not have had his educational priorities straight).

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Joe Pitkin

said:Tom Lyon was an amazing teacher, as well as one of dad’s best friends. They played a great deal of Scrabble every day–watching them play in Tom’s office led me to conclude that the life of a college teacher would suit me just fine.

And–grad school! Congratulations, my friend…or condolences. I hope the experience flips your lid. What will you be studying?

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billstanleyny

said:MAT degree (music teaching K-12). I had no interest in this back in my 20’s, but these days I find working with young whippersnappers to be rewarding. Now, if I can just find a school that still has a music program…

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